October 19, 2012


Are you adjusting to some kind of "new normal" in your life?

I am.  And  so at first when I found myself crying about the stupidest things this week I was really questioning my sanity (I hadn't really put it all together yet).

The first time I caught myself crying was seeing my first futbol game of the season and seeing "my" team's new coach and it hit me:  Pep Guardiola (the old coach) is gone!  He is no longer our coach!  And this actually produced tears!  This is almost as bad as crying during a commercial when you're pregnant.

Yesterday in the pharmacy I was buying a medicine for my son who was home with the croup.  I explained the kind of cough and the pharmacist rather gruffly corrected my explanation (as Spaniards do; I should be used to this) and as he left to go get what I needed behind the counter I had to fight the tears back and say a mantra to myself:  "You will NOT cry about that.  You will NOT cry about that."

At the grocery store I was able to buy my favorite yogurt after not having it all summer (we were in the US).  Yes, there were tears as I put that yogurt in my cart.  It was yogurt, people!  This is NOT ok.  It was pathetic and tomorrow I am going to have myself committed.

It took dinner last night to have my "aha moment".

Last night as I served dinner to the guests at our house who are here for some local training, I looked around the table and was both overwhelmed & grateful for the craziness of my life.  There were 4 Italians, 1 Argentine, 1 Greek, 2 Africans, an American and the three of us battling out understanding in 4 languages.  Because these "United Nations moments" at my house are fairly regular and because my friends and my kids'  friends laugh at us, (simultaneously perplexed & awed that we have this kind of life), that's when it hit me:  my girls would love to be here this week.  And the tears came.  The difference was, this time I understood their source.

My "new normal" of no girls at home anymore (both are now stateside in college) has meant many things, but this week I've been subconsciously missing them simply as my "companions".  They are companions in many areas but this week I realized how much I missed their companionship in the kitchen.  Those conversations as you chop together, the instant understanding about what each should do next as we get a meal ready for guests, the crazy songs they burst into that make us all laugh, the inside jokes as we work in joyful chaos together.  I realized this week in the kitchen (in spite of generous help from the guests) that I felt disorganized, behind and that I was struggling to "get it together".  And it dawned on me:  I usually have extra hands that make my load light & more fun.  And my heart ached I missed them so much.

There are many other things that stir up longing for them:  photos, skype calls, prayers, e-mails full of their personality, empty rooms, hearing a song they love, friends asking about them and much more.  But sometimes you underestimate the little things you will miss & there are unexpected moments that almost take your breath away when the longing pierces you afresh.

My "new normal"  will take some getting used to.  In the meanwhile, I am making a list of all the wonderful things we are going to concoct in the kitchen together at Christmas!

Photo by: SketchyK


  1. Started with several outbursts of laughter and ended with tears streaming down my face. You have no idea how much I can identify. This is so hard.

  2. Wow, I can totally relate, even though I am in US, my Karyn is 5 hours away at university, leaving me at home with Bryan and our 2 sons...

  3. Oh, Dani, how we miss you.....you are loved and prayed for!! See you soon!

  4. Yes, Pam, I too have had a few of those "take your breath away" moments in the past week....thanks for expressing it so well!

  5. pam i admire how you are painting your feelings out on a page for the clarity of your inner-self as well as for the world to identify with and be blessed by. thinking of you all there in spain! <3

  6. Patrick & Alicia HavensNovember 15, 2012 at 10:08 AM

    Hi Pam! I found you through your lovely Women of the Harvest post and I'm so happy that I did!

  7. Patrick & Alicia HavensNovember 15, 2012 at 10:17 AM

    Part 2--This post made me cry! I love how you view life and have been ministered already to the different things that I have read. Thank you. Blessings to you, Alicia

  8. thanks for so much encouragement, Heather

  9. You are so timely. I just returned from a walk pondering these thoughts - i shared your blog with a friend at church (the post I commented on earlier today). She sent this one to me - which was waiting in my email when I got home. I resonate with your missing your girls - the small things as well as their presence. I am praying for how God meets you and connects your hearts.

  10. You've expressed this beautifully Pam...thank-you!


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